Welcome to the Apocalypse

No doubt, we’re living in fucked up times.

Just in case you’ve been hermiting in some ashram in Asshair Nowhere and haven’t heard–we’re in dress rehearsal for the cataclysm. COVID-19, at this writing, has reportedly infected 2,003,528 individuals worldwide and killed 231,880. “Reportedly” is not too fine a distinction as those stats only include those confirmed to have won the lottery of actually being tested only to lose same lottery by testing positive. Unfortunately, most of us–six week veteran, here–can’t even score a test, so I’m thinking you need to add some 0s to get a more accurate picture of infected human lives and ended human lives…which is fucking grim. Add to the fact that we appear to be on the brink of financial collapse of global proportions, stupid people are protesting for the right to be Darwin Awards and don’t give shit one about who they take with them…and our Dear Feeder seems more than happy to hurry this whole process along with a prescribed 24 hour nap in an internal tanning bed followed by a refreshing Clorox smoothie.

Smartass that I am, I told MB, “Now all we need are locusts”, and fuck me if Pakistan isn’t dealing with the worst plague of locusts in the history of bugs. Which means, if you’re keeping biblical score, first born males need to start upping the gender fluidity ante pretty goddamn fast if they want to survive. And even then, there’s climate crisis accelerating by the day, vengeful man-toddler leaders who have even fewer fucks than the ones they brought into office with them and stunningly, has access to the nuclear codes, if very little else. Yup. We got all the ingredients for one helluva grand dystopia.

Seems like the perfect time to write about horror.

That’s not snark. Horror movies–and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this–comfort me. They always have. I’m not completely sure why, but it is undeniably cathartic. Let’s face it–in terms of actual horror, we’re relatively helpless now…but you can control the horror in a film. No matter how gory or suspenseful or even straight up nihilistic, you know the horror will end. It will end and, no matter what happens to those hapless characters, you’ll still be alive. And, provided you watch quality horror, you will also be thoroughly entertained. You can’t go to the multiplexes now, but in my opinion, most great horror never makes it to the multiplex anyway–VOD has become a fucking boon for the best underrated, underappreciated, in some cases downright obscure horror. And since I’m all about the silver linings, now is the time to experiment with all of those streaming services–including some very decent free-with-ads streaming channels like Tubi and Popcornflix.

I’ve been trying–struggling (failing?) to do a horror podcast, but it’s not going well.I love these movies so much that I’m having a difficult time editing out the less relevant details because its all relevant to me. I just can’t seem to stop myself from relaying every single lovely moment, along with adding in a lot of neato-fancy shit which is even less important. In other words, I’ve been psychoanalyzing, not analyzing, these films like I’m working on a thesis instead of just talking about the damn thing. Then all of the technical issues, the lighting, the gadgets, the apps…one fucking podcast can take me a month…obviously, I’m doing this wrong. And right when I started to get my shit together, I got nailed by da ‘rona for almost two solid months. So. Not quitting, but definite hiatus on the podcast until I can figure out how to do this so that it isn’t a nightmare but still doesn’t look like shit.

In the meantime, there’s all this great horror too many people are missing. So…a blog. Which is probably what I should’ve been doing all along. I mean, with Youtube’s fascist anti-horror algorithms–the ones that that will send you to subscriber Siberia at the slightest mention of blood and guts (and yet doesn’t seem too ill-disposed against very borderline pedo videos), it’s not like I will ever make any money, so I might as well not make any money doing what I love–writing–about my beloved horror. So until the internet goes down and mankind goes down along with it, I have enough food, my fledgling horror DVD collection (@ 60 at this writing), plenty of wine, three cats and my beloved (MB) to get me through. In the meantime, I need to talk about horror–no, great horror, the kind too many people are missing–starting…now

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