From the Voices in my Head: An Open Letter to Movie Spoilers

Now that I’m writing this blog, I face the wonderful dilemma of having too many great horror movies to watch. It’s painful, trust me. I wish I had 100 eyeballs so I could watch as many movies at all times. Unfortunately, I only have one pair of Mr. Magoo quality 20/600 vision eyes, so I am forced to weed through the hundreds of possible candidates. I base my opinion on various factors–director/writer/actor, check out some of the ratings on sites like IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes, but I also like to get the opinion of the Great Unwashed Masses by reading their reviews on Shudder and Prime.

Mind you, I rarely bother reading the positive reviews because I get a much clearer picture about the quality of a film from the 1-star reviews. Some of them are well-written by people whose IQ hovers well above room temperature, and who are capable of pointing out technical flaws, bad acting, problems with pacing, dialogue and so forth (preferably written in a heavily sarcastic, funny screed). Others are half-literate meatheads who can barely string one long run-on sentence together, usually consisting of “It was borrrrring”, “It wasn’t scary, didn’t have one single jumpscares”, or “I’m getting tired of all this foreign shit. If I wanted to read, I’d read a book”. First of all, pretty sure you’ve never read a book in your post eighth-grade life; second, then go watch some dubbed shit on Youtube, you half-witted philistine.

Still…you get the idea. I’m actually more likely to watch a movie that idiots hate than I am to watch a movie that non-idiots like, because it is more likely to at least have a plot, complex characters, polysyllabic dialogue and no goddamn jumpscares. Overall, it’s a pretty good system…except when they are so goddamn stupid that they think a review is a place to run their heads about major plot points and/or endings.

Recent examples include:

“It was pretty good until the main girl killed her friend what a bitch”.

“so stupid they act like they’re too good to be cannibals then they eat their daddy at the end lol”.

“I don’t get it. Why did ______(name of character) kill all his friends?”

“It was okay but the ending sucked why did they have to all be buried I mean I know the killers were bad so I guess a couple of them should be killed but it didn’t need to be ended with all them killed”.

“I don’t get it. Who was that other girl and why did she cut off that couple’s heads off? Was she trying to copy that first girl?”

Now don’t get me wrong–I know they’re morons, but that’s no goddamn excuse. Morons still have to say “please” and “thank you” and “oops” when they accidentally turn their big water-weighted heads too fast and knock their friends down like bowling pins. How is it that they are able to nose-peck out their opinion without noticing dozens of other reviews written by not-stupid people who have the goddamn decency to warn readers about imminent give-aways with a simple SPOILER ALERT? It’s beyond rude; it’s criminal and it infuriates me…and I mean, rabid, ranting, froth-mouthed rage. Worse, I don’t even have the freedom to tell them what irretrievably stupid shitheads they are, because Shudder and Prime (rightfully) doesn’t have the functionality to reply to these monsters and call them out for the misbegotten assholes they are.

But something has to be done. Horror movies are being ruined and I can’t just stand by and allow it to happen. Hence, this open letter to all the spoilers of the world combined into one massive moron.

Dear Spoiler,

While I do appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule of kicking puppies and punching babies to ruin movies that you either didn’t like or didn’t get, I feel that it is my duty, as a legitimate horror connoisseur, to tell you that you are literally the worst thing in the world. Yes. Literally. In the literal sense. In terms of sheer abominations, I place you somewhere between cholera and war criminals. You have all the sensitivity of a leech and only half the charm. You are the half-breed freak of a maggot and a serial killer. The Henry Lee Lucas kind of serial killer, the toothless grunting kind that rapes decapitated goat necks while simultaneously giving away every relevant detail of what was probably a very entertaining movie.

And since, no doubt, you are still lip-reading “decapitated” and “relevant” and “goat”, let me spell it out for you (don’t worry. You don’t actually have to spell): when you give away the climax, the ending and every other unpredictable moment, you are destroying the suspense. The whole point of horror is to be scared and you can’t be scared when you fucking know what is coming, you depraved…imbecilic…shitbag

And yes, I get that there are risk-averse freaks out there who routinely look up spoilers, but they need help, not emulation. If nobody is asking, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Or if you just have to talk the shit out of a movie, then the very least you can do is to cut and paste this big, foreign word: SPOILER. Then you can run your head about every single detail you don’t understand from quality horror movies you don’t like. It really is that simple. That one word can prevent you from being an utter blight on society and a slope-headed, sentient pestilence, nose-pecking your evil, barely coherent words and generally making the world a dumber place.

If for no other reason, do it out of self-preservation. Because every time you spoil a movie for me, you are in danger of becoming the next Darwin Award. Better yet, just don’t post anything at all. Just go away. Go back to tormenting small creatures and telling children babies come from a stork fucking their mother. Interrupt a wedding reception to tell a funny story about how much the bride loves anal. Spit in the communion wine. Strip down to your filthy skivvies on a crowded plane and prop your funk-feet on another passenger’s arm rest. Borrow somebody’s toothbrush without asking; stick it up your ass when they complain. Bitch incessantly at a server and leave your phone number as a tip. Breech the six-foot social distance of a conscientious masked person and breathe loudly on the back of their neck. Breed.

Any of these things would be preferable to ruining a good horror movie. Or even a bad horror movie, because fuck you, even bad horror has its moments. If you can’t learn basic movie etiquette, stop commenting on horror and take your incoherent ass to YouTube to bully commenters you’ll never meet.

And pray that I never find you.

Sincerely,

Fio

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