Since I just wrote about the horror-fan game-changer Shudder, I thought I would discuss–and then crucify–a few of the members who regularly complain about subtitled horror films in the review section, the ones who typically say something like, “Great another foreign movie it’s getting so all Shudder gets is foreign movies keep that up and I’m going to cancel my membership if I wanted to read I would read a book” (lack of punctuation accurate; accurate spelling is merciful editing on my part).
Hard to know where to start with this brand of duhhh, but first of all, as a completely unauthorized representative of Shudder, I beg you not to cancel your $5.99/mo subscription, or surely the sky will blacken with bankrupt Shudder stockholders leaping from tall buildings in despair. Secondly, while there are many international horror selections, they hardly constitute a majority of Shudder’s offerings and the great majority of them are good to excellent in quality…in fact, international distributors are far less likely to spend the money it would take to sell shit in an American market. Lastly–and bluntly–who the fuck do you think you’re trying to fool? You’re not going to read a book. I’m agnostic to the very idea that you read at all, you slack-jawed philistine.
Basically, what these illiterate dunderheads really want is nothing but a steady diet of the lowest form of grindhouse and torture porn. Granted, they aren’t quite the irredeemable shit-scum as movie spoilers, but they don’t occupy a higher place on the evolutionary ladder, either…nor do they have a helluva lot to contribute as a reviewer or to their tragically prolific gene pool. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not such a horror snob that I will only watch the late, great Marcin Wrona’s Demon or the still alive asshole Roman Polanski’s Repulsion. Sometimes I just want to park my head in idle and watch Glorious Shit like Frankenstein’s Army (imminent blog on this crap classic, by the way) or Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, too.
But it offends me no end that these people bitch and low-ball a quality foreign horror because they are too intellectually lazy to read subtitles…especially when the horrifying alternative would be dubbing, which invariably looks and sounds like shit. I can’t even enjoy the unintentional humor inherent with dubbing when it destroys what otherwise would’ve been an excellent film. Quite frankly, if you expect me to watch a dubbed movie, well by god, there better be some kung fu. And with Rigor Mortis in existence, I can watch a great, subtitled horror movie with kung fu, so fuck you, anyway.
To be fair, though, some of these misspelled missives are useful, as they typically are written by the same people who will complain about a slow-burn, complex mumblegore indie with sentiments like, “It was boooorrrring. Nothing happened. There wasn’t even a single jumpscare”. Those are the movies I go out of my way to watch. In that sense, their stupid is my gain. But the same does not apply to the missing links who low-ball a foreign movie just because the subtitles go by too quickly for them to read without moving their lips.
To those slope-headed malcontents, I say get thee to Screambox or the many subscription grindhouse channels on Roku. There are some real stinkers on Popcornflix, Tubi and Youtube, of course, is just lousy with terrible horror movies with dozens of jumpscares, comically excessive gore and a few requisite boobs. Otherwise, either go get Hooked on Phonics or shut the fuck up. The adults are busy reading big-word movies.